On Motherhood

Before Felix was even a thought in our minds, I was a very sensitive person. I had a deep seated hatred for people who do bad things to other people, especially children. Now that I am a mother, this sensitivity has reached its apex. When I read in the news or on a blog about children who are treated poorly, it makes me physically sick and I gawk at these things in my head for months. They literally haunt and terrorize me. I just can't understand how people can treat children badly. It makes me fear for my own child, and to wish I could somehow take all children under my wings, and for the ones who experienced evil, to reach back into their pasts to undo the harm that was done so that they can live wholeheartedly happy, unbroken lives. I do understand the frustration and maybe even resentment that come along with becoming a parent and concurrently being an individual who needs "me" time, but coupled with those things is the most elevated love that you could ever feel toward another human being. I know that this mix of feelings is normal, but what scares me is thinking of people who have maybe been scarred in their own lives or childhood, and who take out their frustrations on their children or on other people's children. People who are not well and who harm others because of it. Because of this, I have an itching anxiety that I have to keep in check when worrisome thoughts creep into my mind about bad things that people do, and the bad things that sometimes just happen to people. Life is so unpredictable. You can be just gliding along with a grin splashed across your face, and then WHAM, you hit an unavoidable sadness or life event that plunges you into the darkest pits of being. The thought of what negative things could happen, or might happen as Felix grows and continues his slow, but steady act of growing up and leaving home plagues me sometimes. Having something of value to you makes you paranoid and desperate to never lose that thing. When it comes to people, those emotions can tear you apart, because death is imminent, and life, though so persistent, is also the most fragile thing there is. I never imagined that Motherhood would bring these feelings to the forefront of my life in such a way. I can see how some women become depressed postpartum - it happens when you give free reign to all the miserable worries that accompany such a gift as a child. I am grateful for every day with my son and husband. I just need to remind myself that it is a waste of my time to worry about the things that I have no control over. Again and again I am floored by the thought "this is my life". I love and am loved, I laugh, and I'm proud. I am so blessed.
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. -Chinese Proverb