Reflections

Thinking about my Grandma lately - I miss her so much. Every once in a while I see her in Felix's blueberry eyes or in a certain angle of his profile and every once in a while I catch a glimpse of her when I look at my own face in the mirror. When we stayed with Grandpa in the FL condo a couple years ago I remember hearing him talking out loud in the front room. As I entered the hallway to investigate I heard clearly that he was talking to Grandma Jeanne and it broke my heart. He was saying how nice it was to have us stay with him and how great of a Mom I was to Felix (in true Grandpa fashion - he is such a sweetheart). I went into the living room and hugged and cried with him - he said "sorry to wake you honey - after all these years of talking to Mimi, I can't just stop."

On Motherhood

Before Felix was even a thought in our minds, I was a very sensitive person. I had a deep seated hatred for people who do bad things to other people, especially children. Now that I am a mother, this sensitivity has reached its apex. When I read in the news or on a blog about children who are treated poorly, it makes me physically sick and I gawk at these things in my head for months. They literally haunt and terrorize me. I just can't understand how people can treat children badly. It makes me fear for my own child, and to wish I could somehow take all children under my wings, and for the ones who experienced evil, to reach back into their pasts to undo the harm that was done so that they can live wholeheartedly happy, unbroken lives. I do understand the frustration and maybe even resentment that come along with becoming a parent and concurrently being an individual who needs "me" time, but coupled with those things is the most elevated love that you could ever feel toward another human being. I know that this mix of feelings is normal, but what scares me is thinking of people who have maybe been scarred in their own lives or childhood, and who take out their frustrations on their children or on other people's children. People who are not well and who harm others because of it. Because of this, I have an itching anxiety that I have to keep in check when worrisome thoughts creep into my mind about bad things that people do, and the bad things that sometimes just happen to people. Life is so unpredictable. You can be just gliding along with a grin splashed across your face, and then WHAM, you hit an unavoidable sadness or life event that plunges you into the darkest pits of being. The thought of what negative things could happen, or might happen as Felix grows and continues his slow, but steady act of growing up and leaving home plagues me sometimes. Having something of value to you makes you paranoid and desperate to never lose that thing. When it comes to people, those emotions can tear you apart, because death is imminent, and life, though so persistent, is also the most fragile thing there is. I never imagined that Motherhood would bring these feelings to the forefront of my life in such a way. I can see how some women become depressed postpartum - it happens when you give free reign to all the miserable worries that accompany such a gift as a child. I am grateful for every day with my son and husband. I just need to remind myself that it is a waste of my time to worry about the things that I have no control over. Again and again I am floored by the thought "this is my life". I love and am loved, I laugh, and I'm proud. I am so blessed.
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. -Chinese Proverb

I know it has been a while since I last posted, but I plan to post some photos and words soon about our recent anniversary trip to the San Juan Islands in Washington. Stay tuned...

No delay for decay

After a tense night of clenching my jaw and trying to sleep fitfully, I finally made myself get out of bed and ready to go to the dentist. I have dental anxiety these days, and for good reason I believe. I absolutely detest when my dentist probes my teeth with that awful metal instrument to gauge the depth of my gums. My gums are receding so my dentist seems to want to be EXTRA thorough in this procedure; 5 stabs around each tooth. Ugh. It makes me cringe. I despise...well, I guess all I really hate about the dentist is the probing. Usually everything else is fine. I even enjoy having my teeth cleaned by Francois because we converse in French. But today the spot on my tooth that was detected at my last visit has become a problem and will need work. Bottom line is this - I have a cavity. This may not be as distressing as you might think, but it's my first cavity my mouth has seen since it's previous inhabitants. I did have a small cavity in a baby tooth, but that ended up falling out (why they decided to fill it I'll never know), and I have taken extra special care of my teeth ever since; mainly to avoid having to experience having another cavity. I almost feel that the novocaine shot that they give you is more painful than the actual drilling and filling. Anyhow, this bad news aside, my dentist didn't even probe my teeth today. So all that late night worrying was for naught. Though now I'll have my next visit to worry about, and on a potentially greater level... I blame the Northwest. For all the benefits to having relatively clean, chemical free drinking water, I think it's the lack of Fluoride that has caused my tooth to decay. Bah. I'll just have to suck it up, and remind myself of all the other benefits of living here that far outweigh tooth decay.

15 Weeks

My sister is 15 weeks pregnant, living on a 32' schooner in St. Croix, planning to work as a pirate for a tourist treasure hunt kids show, and she couldn't be happier. She had her first ultrasound this week and she wrote to me about seeing the baby in baby form with a spine and tiny feet, etc. I'm going to be an aunt!

I do solemnly swear...that this is a great day in history

I read this article that I really enjoyed and wanted to share: Writers on Barack. There is a link to read his speech on there as well, which I highly recommend. I keep thinking of a quote I read once (I can't remember where), but it goes "be the change that you want to see in your life". President Obama is all about that.

The (Experi)Mentalist

My Mom and Brian saw the Experimentalist last weekend, and he totally blew them away. Brian described how a known sceptic in the audience was asked to think of a word, and then the Experimentalist guessed what it was ("newspaper"). I asked him "on the first try?!?" and he said "yeah!...well, no, actually he asked questions like 'does the word start with the letter N', etc.". Immediately I thought of psychology and the power of visual cues and other means of subliminal influence. When I went to his website, the thing that caught my eye in his About section was that he had "an advanced degree in Psychology". Now, I have no explanation for the physical supernatural acts that he demonstrated, such as suspending a glass in mid-air and flipping my Mom's key card over in her hand without touching it or even being near it, but as far as the mind-magic, I think he is probably a master of deception of the psychological kind, and I would love to see his show!